Prologue

Lady Featherbottom threw the best balls; that was undisputable.

Adelaide thought this was not difficult to achieve, seeing as she was the richest lady in the ton. Her husband, an earl, had died a few years earlier, leaving behind more money than the rest of the noble families had combined.

The stars glittered from the windows overhead. It was a full moon, and long shadows were cast over the unblemished dance floor and the people on it. Adelaide looked around the impressive hall in wonder. Lady Featherbottom had the largest ballroom any person had the right to, and she made sure to decorate it as well as she could, with wildflowers and huge, long mirrors.

Adelaide watched some girls her age twirl around with men who were courting them. Several of them looked like they had only been asked to dance out of politeness, their faces showing their mixed feelings of bewilderment and gratitude.  The girls looked exactly how Adelaide had felt at the beginning of the season; excited, nervous, and terrified of embarrassing themselves.

Still, Adelaide knew they would much rather embarrass themselves than stand forlornly by the wall. She saw an unfortunate few in that condition, looking disappointed and hoping to be asked to dance by a willing suitor. She tried to picture herself in their situation, waiting for her mother or father to make the arrangements…

“When you’re silent like that, you scare me.”

Adelaide jumped, spinning to face the person who had spoken. As she saw who snuck up on her, she felt her heart twist in her chest.

“Jasper,” she said, her face breaking into an uncontrollable smile. “You scared me.”

Jasper cocked his head and gave her a small grin. She looked away, not wanting butterflies to start up in her stomach, as they always did when he was around.

It was all right to feel butterflies for Jasper, she reminded herself. He was courting her, and she hoped he would ask for her hand soon. More than that though, they had been childhood friends, running around their fathers’ manors together, covered in dirt and slime.

Now, Jasper was a tall and muscular man, with thick black hair and deep brown eyes. It was no wonder that several mothers had been offended when he chose Adelaide over their daughters.

“May I have this dance, my lady?” Jasper asked, bowing to her.

Adelaide grinned. She took his hand silently, and he led her towards the dance floor.

They waltzed together, his hand wrapped tightly around her waist, his other hand in hers. Adelaide knew that dancing was routine, but there was something about dancing with Jasper that made her feel like she was stepping on precious, fragile clouds, her soul lifted above her body.

She looked up at him, and she could see a twinkle in his eyes as he stared down at her.

She cleared her throat. She was far too nervous to ask him why he was staring at her that way, and so she searched wildly for a topic of conversation.

“Lady Wetherbee seems to hate our pairing,” she blurted, her eyes on the older woman, who appeared to be staring at them in distaste.

“Of course,” Jasper said, glancing at the lady. “She was quite offended when my father informed her he would not be considering her daughter for me.

She wrote a strongly penned letter to my father, telling him how much of a mistake he was making. For some odd reason, she seemed to think he had chosen you, and so she went on and on. ‘‘The Richards family gives too much freedom to their daughter. My Elizabeth has been primed and pruned from birth…’ She kept at it until my father commanded me to burn the letter; it bored us both.”

Adelaide laughed. “Yes, she does have a talent for doing that. ”

“She speaks of her daughter as though the poor girl were a horse. Primed and pruned from birth? Told exactly how to behave at every given occasion, more like,” Jasper said.

“It would shock you, Jasper, but this is exactly how the mothers of the ton treat their children,” Adelaide said.

“In that case, I am forever grateful that my parents – and yours – had a ton of sense.” He turned to cast a glance around. “I should not gossip, but I could not help but notice; most of the dresses I’ve seen tonight are horribly embroidered.”

Adelaide turned to glance at the dresses, but before she could, Jasper added, with a tiny hint of nervousness, “I don’t mean your dress is terrible, of course. You look lovely, as usual.

Adelaide felt the compliment start the butterflies fluttering in her belly again. “Thank you,” she said simply. “If you haven’t noticed,” she said, with a slight nod towards Elizabeth Wetherbee, “Elizabeth has made a match. She doesn’t need to grimace at us any longer.”

Jasper gave a small titter. “She will grimace to her grave, I’m sure,” he said. “Surely you have heard the rumours?”

Who hadn’t? Rumours spread rapidly across the ton. Adelaide had learned as much as a child. It was rumoured that the couple had arranged for a special marriage license, necessary, for Elizabeth had not done what all the ladies of the ton were taught to do; preserve their bodies till marriage.

“Yes, I have,” Adelaide said. “I don’t know what to believe.”

“I do not think it is something that is worth wasting a conversation over,” he said, distaste curling up his lips. “What does it matter if she gave herself to someone she loves? The older women who gossip about her now probably did the same in their day, only they did not get caught. Now they sit on high horses, laying blame at the feet of the poor girl.”

Jasper had always hated the traditions of the society in which they had grown up, and it pleased Adelaide to know that he had not changed as he grew into a man. He was still the same Jasper she had always known, although physically different.

“Do you think Lord Winter’s frivolities are worth discussing?” she asked instead.

His brown eyes twinkled once more. “Of course, I do,” he said. “My father has drilled it into me the importance of being a faithful man in marriage. And I, for one,” he paused to run his fingers slowly towards the back of Adelaide’s hand, sending shivers up her spine, “do not understand why some find it expedient to go looking around when they have the whole world in their arms.”

Adelaide’s heart missed a beat. They were talking about Lord Winter’s affairs, but she had the feeling that Jasper was talking about something – or someone – else. His fingers drew small circles on her back, and Adelaide yearned to feel his touch beneath the layers of her dress.

He was staring at her still, and Adelaide fought the physical urge to raise her lips to his and kiss him. It was anarchy to even think of doing something like that in a place so public, but think of it, she did.

She thought of another topic to introduce as a conversation piece, and this time, she had only one thought in mind.

“How’s your father, the duke?”

The twinkling in Jasper’s eyes dimmed. He looked away from her, but she caught a glimpse of pain in his eyes.

“As well as can be expected,” he finally said. “The corruption has taken a hold of his lungs, the physician says. I am left to run the manor now; however, that is not what troubles me. I worry that one day I  would pass by his chambers and no longer hear him coughing behind the door.”

Adelaide felt her heart twist with pain. “I’m sorry,” she said. She knew how attached Jasper was to his father. “He will get better, have no doubt about that.”

“He will get better,” Jasper said with a force Adelaide had never seen him use before.

Adelaide nodded. “And, while he’s ill, take comfort in the fact that there are others who love you and care for you. Your mother, the staff of your manor, and…”

Adelaide broke off quickly, grateful that she had not allowed the last word to slip past her lips. But it mattered not that she had stopped herself, for when she looked up at Jasper, he was grinning at her.

“…you,” he said softly, completing her statement.

Adelaide felt a blush creep up her cheeks. Thankfully, at that moment, the dance ended, and he led her silently to where she had stood before, among the other single ladies.

Adelaide felt disappointment creep up inside her. Her dance with Jasper had been the best experience of the night – or the whole month – and she wished it could have gone on longer.

She dispelled those thoughts from her head, as she curtseyed to Jasper.

“Thank you for the dance,” she said.

“I should be the one saying that,” he said with a small smile and a bow.

He let go of her fingers, filling Adelaide with a sudden emptiness, before he straightened up. “Excuse me, my lady. I will be going to use the chamberpot now, and you cannot follow me. You don’t have to follow me everywhere,” he said emphatically.

Then he turned to leave, giving her a small wink.

Adelaide squinted after him, wondering what he was on about. Chamberpot? Follow him?

Then, Adelaide felt understanding flood her.

Of course! When they were children, after their parents became worried about their eccentric outdoor activities, they made certain to confine them indoors during playtime. But Jasper soon devised a method to lure them outdoors.

After some minutes of indoor play, he would stand up and loudly announce that he was going to use the chamberpot, and Adelaide did not have to follow him.

She would step out after he did, and always find him waiting…

In the gardens.

Adelaide looked around the people in the crowd, upright, noble-looking women and men. Did she dare? She spied her grandmother on the other side of the room, deep in conversation with two other women her age.

No. She could not possibly.

Her grandmother would have her head if she followed a young man, unchaperoned, to the gardens. It did not matter if he was a young man that she had known all her life. If she were caught, she would be disgraced, with no prospects.

Adelaide thought of Jasper’s wink.

She realized then that there was no decision to make.

She wanted to go. And, even if she didn’t, there was something about Jasper that would compel her to go anyway.

She looked around again, her gaze settling on her grandmother, making sure the old woman was still deep in conversation.

She put a foot forward, and another.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Rory Winter, a freckled young man with reddish hair and a nervous affliction making his way over to her. He was going to ask her for a dance, she was sure.

She looked around, glancing at her grandmother again, to make sure the old woman was not nudging her with her eyes to dance with him. But, thankfully, she wasn’t, and so Adelaide started to walk rapidly, slipping past Rory before he had the chance to say a word, emerging out of the ballroom into a long corridor.

Outside, in the hall free of people, she broke into a run. It was hard in her large, pleated gown, but she managed it somehow. In a few minutes, she was out of Lady Featherbottom’s manor and heading towards the gardens.

“You never managed to make such haste when we were children.”

Adelaide stopped in her tracks, her heart thumping in her chest. She turned around to see Jasper leaning against one of the fruit trees that dotted Lady Featherbottom’s manor. He was grinning.

Lord. He had seen her run.

She bit her lip. What was she to tell him? There was no excuse that came rushing to her mind.

Even so, she didn’t want to seem desperate to Jasper. It was all but certain they were to be betrothed soon, and Adelaide wanted to preserve the bit of mystique and reticence she had been told all proper ladies needed to possess.

“I’m japing,” he added, probably noticing her silence. He pushed himself off the tree and came closer to her, the twinkle in his eyes perceptible even in the moonlight.

Adelaide felt her heart starting to beat faster. It was alright to think of things she wanted to do with Jasper when they were in the ballroom, surrounded by glowing lights and a hundred members of the ton. But, right here, in the darkness and unchaperoned, her thoughts were a second from being a reality, and Adelaide was a little scared.

“You’re cold,” he said.

She opened her mouth to protest, but when she looked down at her arms, she saw they were covered in goosebumps.

Before she could explain them away, Jasper took another step forward and put his arms around her, pulling her towards him.

Her words melted in her throat instantly.

This wasn’t the first time Jasper had hugged her. They had shared several hugs during their childhood, and they had danced several dozen times during the duration of their courtship.

Here, in the dark, being pulled against him felt exquisite. It felt like a luxury she did not deserve.

She wanted to hug him back, to pull him to herself, but somehow, her arms stayed glued by her sides.

She looked up at him.

He was staring at her again, and the twinkling in his eyes was gone, replaced by something else, something deeper. Something that seemed like the purest of desires.

Before she could say anything else, he leaned over and brushed his lips against hers.

Adelaide let out a sigh. She could not help herself. Nothing – nothing – had ever felt as good as Jasper’s lips on her’s.

She kissed him deeply, barely aware of what she was doing or the fact that she knew little about how to kiss. It did not matter. She wanted to be as close to him as possible, right there in the garden.

Jasper kissed her back, drawing her closer to him. Adelaide let her arms go around his neck, wanting desperately to kiss him forever, to stay in this moment for as long as she could.

But she didn’t.

After a few seconds, Jasper broke off the kiss and looked down at her, the glittering returned to his eyes.

“We should return before they conduct a search party,” he said.

“Yes,” Adelaide said. She was too enraptured by the kiss to think of anything else to say.

“I’ll go in first,” he said. “You can come in later.”

She nodded, still unable to form words.

Jasper stared at her for a moment longer. She felt him take her hand and squeeze it gently, and then turn around and start back towards the manor.

Adelaide sighed, her strength leaving her at that moment. She leaned against the fruit tree, her heart still pumping rapidly.

She had just had her first kiss with Jasper Barlow.

And she knew for certain she did not want to kiss anyone else ever again.

Chapter One

How many more times could she smile before the edge of her lips became physically incapable of moving upwards any longer?

Adelaide could not find any reason to smile. It was a hot August afternoon, and Lady Priscilla Lockhart had gotten the bright idea to host a tea party for the ton. And so, Adelaide sat with dozens of other noblemen and women, their hair fashionably styled, their clothes impossibly heavy, their teeth shining through the heavy layers of sweat on their faces.

She wished she could hold on to something in her personal life that would bring her a semblance of joy. However, even that was falling apart. Worse even than being stuck here, under the glaring heat, with sweat running down her back, was the fact that she was still not married.

Her first Season was over. A full year had passed since then. And here she was, still unmarried, still searching for a husband.

Adelaide shook her head before the thoughts started to form again. She did not want to think of them. She would not permit herself to think of them; even though she had come close… so, so, close… to having everything she had ever dreamed of.

She shook her head again. She hadn’t gotten married. She was unmarried at eighteen, searching for a husband. There was nothing else to ponder.

“The flies aren’t so brazen that they would appear in the day, would they?” Jane said from beside her.

Adelaide turned to her friend. Jane was sipping from her cup, her posture perfect and her movements elegant. Sometimes, Adelaide wondered how Jane managed to remember all the rules that were knotted around noblewomen’s neck like a fancy noose. How to sit, stand, walk, talk,  ride a horse, eat… It was all too much.

“It’s not the flies,” Adelaide said, knowing Jane was wondering why she was shaking her head so. “It’s everything else.”

“What could you possibly have to complain about?” Jane said cheerily. “Look. The weather is beautiful, everyone turned up, and the tea doesn’t taste half as bad as it did last time. There are scones too. They’re your favourite, aren’t they?”

“The weather isn’t beautiful,” Adelaide said. “I can’t think of scones at the moment. It is so hot that I wish to throw myself into a gushing stream .”

Jane let out a titter of laughter. “Adelaide,” she said simply.

Adelaide shrugged. The movement was quite unladylike, as her grandmother would have reminded her if she saw, but Adelaide was far from caring. “It’s true,” she said. “I’m tired of it all. I was tired from the day I drew in my first breath. These clothes are too tight and too heavy. And this hairstyle makes me feel like a much older woman.”

“You do love to complain,” her friend said.

Adelaide looked away, towards the crowd of people around them. For one moment, she wished Jane was more like her, someone disinterested in the rules and regulations they saw fit to live their life by. But Jane was herself, the perfect daughter who never did things wrong and never went overboard.

Perhaps, Adelaide thought, she would have been content to be like Jane once. In fact, she was almost like Jane a year ago. She found some customs extremely ridiculous, but she participated in them all the same. Some of them were even pleasing, to a certain extent. And she never, ever complained, except when in the presence of…

Adelaide shook her head again, this time to get away from a fly buzzing in her ear.

“Perhaps the fly knows you’re being rude,” Jane said, taking another perfect sip.

“Are you suggesting that Lady Lockhart, our hostess, is a fly?”

Jane looked truly horrified. “No… I never… you know I never…”

Adelaide almost burst out laughing. “I was japing, Jane.”

Jane stared at her in mock reproach, before her expression gave way to real concern. “Honestly, Adelaide. Cheer up.”

Adelaide forced a smile, this time for the benefit of her friend. Jane was the closest friend she had, someone who cared about her deeply. She did not want to turn her mood sour by being so grumpy.

“Maybe it is nice, after all,” Adelaide said, ignoring the sweat running down her back. “It’s nice to see everyone gathered together to do something other than gossip.”

“Try saying that as you mean it, will you?” Jane said sardonically.

The two ladies laughed, and Adelaide helped herself to a scone. This torture was bound to be over soon. Or, in any case, the sun would dip very soon.

“It’s good to see you enjoying yourself,” Jane said, and Adelaide raised her brows at her friend.

“You’re not suggesting I’m so miserable I never eat or smile, are you?”

Jane shook her head. “It’s just… After the…”

Was Jane trying to speak of her unwed status? Adelaide opened her mouth to ask Jane to speak plainly, but her friend said the word that made Adelaide’s heart grow a cold layer of stone.

“Selina.”

Adelaide forced another smile, dropping her scone on a plate.

“You’re alright, are you?” Jane said, peering at Adelaide carefully as though she could see her pain if she just looked a little closer.

“Yes,” Adelaide said quickly. This was far from the truth, but she did not want to talk about her feelings. Talking about her feelings would make her delve into the pit she had fought to come out of for a full year.

“I’m sorry,” Jane began rambling. “I didn’t mean to say anything, but I knew you knew and it would be odd if I didn’t say anything and we both sat around not talking about it even if we each knew that we knew…”

“Jane,” Adelaide said, with a meaningful look. “You don’t need to ramble on. It’s honestly, completely fine. I don’t care about Selina.”

Jane was still staring at her.

Adelaide fought back a sigh. Apparently, even her best efforts had not been convincing.

“I would understand if you were to despise her. Or if you were to hate him.”

Adelaide looked away. She really did not want to talk about this or him. Nowadays, even the mere mention of his name was enough to fill her eyes with tears.

It was a full year later, and she did not want to keep living as though her life revolved around him.

He had called off their courtship abruptly. All he did was send a terse letter, addressed to her father, stating tersely, “I am sorry to inform you that I shall not be courting your daughter any longer. Please accept my apologies for this inconvenience. Regards to Adelaide.”

Adelaide had refused to believe the words when her grandmother, uncharacteristically calm, had told her. She had asked to see the letter.

Once she had read the letter, written in Jasper’s hand, not looking as though it had been forced or coerced out of him, all she had thought of was Lady Featherbottom’s ball.

He had made fun of Lady Wetherbee’s letter. He had said it was unfeeling and strict, a letter that bored him. He had criticized Lord Winter as well.

“I, for one, do not see any point in looking around when I have the world in my arms.”

He had called her his world. She was certain of it.

What could cause a man to cast his world away without a second glance?

She had thought again of him poking fun of Lady Wetherbee’s letter, then ending their courtship with a letter even terser. Tears had started to fall from her eyes onto the letter when she read it, and her grandmother had pulled her into her arms.

Adelaide had cried through the night, however, there had been a huge part of her that remained convinced that this had been a jape. Perhaps Jasper hadn’t even known the letter had made its way to her. Perhaps he would be at the next dance, a smile, and a dance offer waiting, itching to steal her away to the gardens for another kiss.

And so, Adelaide went to the next ball. And the next. And the next.

Jasper never showed up at a ball after that. Neither did he visit her home or send word again.  She had not seen him at any social functions either. It was as if he had simply vanished.

The Season ended with Adelaide refusing both dance invites as well as visits from men. As the months passed and she found herself sitting by the window of her chambers, a tiny part of her wishing Jasper would suddenly ride up to their manor, the reality settled in her chest; Jasper was never coming back.

She had no idea what happened to him, and she did not think she would ever know for sure.

But what she did know was that he did not want her anymore. Perhaps he had wanted her back then, or perhaps he had been courting her to be polite.

What they had was long gone, and it was past time she returned to living her life.

It was difficult to think of another man, she could not focus all of her affections on anyone else. Thus, Adelaide had been stumbling through the past few months, uninterested in anything, even who she ended up marrying.

Jane had been a good friend though. But Adelaide did not think she was ready to discuss Jasper with anyone. Not then, not now, nor ever again.

“Adelaide?” Jane asked, tapping her lightly on her hand.

Adelaide came back with a start. “I’m sorry,” she said quickly, recalling Jane’s last statement. “I don’t hate her, of course. I don’t know her. And I don’t hate him.”

It was true. She had thought that her pain would evolve into hurt, then anger, and finally into hate, but it hadn’t. It seemed as though the pain was determined never to leave, but remain burnished in her heart, a reminder of what could have been.

“I see,” Jane said, giving a tiny nod. “But it is alright to hate her, though. Who doesn’t?”

Adelaide felt a bitter smile tug at the corner of her lips. Lady Selina Payne was a ravishing woman. With her wavy golden hair running all the way to her lower back, bright blue eyes, and the most appealing stature of anyone Adelaide knew, the girl garnered a ton of hate.

On top of her good looks, Selina had also been born into one of the richest families in England. And now, apparently, she was betrothed to one of the most dashing men in London.

A man that Adelaide had for months believed to be hers.

Adelaide shook her head quickly, scolding herself for that last thought. Jasper was never hers, she reminded herself.

She repeated that thought to Jane. “It has been a whole year,” she said forcefully, wanting to believe it as much as she wanted Jane too. “He is well within his rights to fall for someone else. Lady Payne is a beautiful young woman, and I wish them happiness.”

She knew Jane did not believe her. She did not believe herself either and turned away to hide the tears stinging her eyes.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Jane said, her voice ringing with falsehood. “That’s quite noble of you.”

Adelaide forced another smile. She was really getting tired of smiling.

“Meanwhile,” Jane said, suddenly sounding more excited, “You could think of another man to bestow your favours on? I hear Viscount Phillip Miller thinks highly of you.”

Adelaide scoffed. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, he has been staring at you all day,” Jane said, nodding demurely. “He’s staring at you right now, you know.”

Adelaide stifled a groan. “I don’t want to court the viscount,” she said.

Jane’s eyes widened with what appeared to be a genuine surprise. “He’s a handsome, dashing man, Adelaide. Even you can’t find something wrong with him.”

“How did Jane manage to find purely positive traits in everybody? He’s arrogant, self-important, and too absorbed with himself. Do you really think I would fare well in a marriage with a man such as that?”

“Well,” Jane said doggedly, “I believe marriages are what you make out of them.”

Adelaide smiled, a genuine one this time. “Jane, you are a true ray of sunshine.”

Jane was barely listening. “Oh no,” she whispered frantically. “I think the viscount saw me staring. Look, he’s coming over.”

Adelaide shot a quick glance behind her. Jane was right. Philip was striding towards them, weaving between tables and exchanging quick greetings as he passed.

“I’m going for a walk,” she said.

Jane placed a firm hand on Adelaide’s elbow. “Don’t you leave, it’s quite rude, and you should at the very least pay him a courtesy greeting.”

“No,” Adelaide said pointedly.  She didn’t want to sit through hours of “conversation” with Philip.

Blessedly, Jane released her hand. She turned in worry and noted that Philip had stopped to talk with another gentleman, but his eyes still wandered in her direction. She had to leave now.

“Thank you,” Adelaide said in relief, making to stand up. But she looked at Jane and saw her friend was white as a sheet.

“Jane?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

“Do you remember when I called you noble not long ago?” Jane asked.

Adelaide nodded impatiently. “Yes. Why?”

“I think you might need to exercise a little of that nobility just now, Adelaide.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Lord Jasper Barlow and Lady Selina Payne just arrived… together.” `

Chapter Two

Adelaide turned at Jane’s words, her heart beating faster. Surely it could not be true, she thought. Was Jasper here? Even then, a part of her hoped it was true. She wished to see Jasper again, to gaze upon his handsome face, to feel the butterflies in her belly when he smiled at her. And so, she turned.

And there he was.

Her beautiful Jasper, standing tall and smiling. Her breath caught. He was even more handsome than he had been a year ago. How could one be born with such devastating good looks? Jasper was taller, and stood regally; a duke in his own right, a member of the peerage and high society.

Suddenly, all the pain she had suffered came flooding back. Her late-night crying and poring over his dismissal letter, her daytime dreams of his return, and her own letters raced through her mind. She would have forgiven him his rejection, and even taken him back if only he gave her the slightest hint that he wanted her.

But here he was, with Selina Payne beside him, her hand in his arm, admired by the crowd. Apart, Jasper and Selina had stunning looks. Together, their beauty was blinding; a golden couple.

Adelaide felt her heart twist in pain, the sensation almost physical. She put her hand on her chest and took deep breaths. Be calm, she thought to herself. But how could she be calm, when Jasper, her first and only love, was here and within reach, and in the company of another woman, after so abruptly turning her world adrift? The agony was too much, made worse as she had not the faintest clue as to why he had spurned her. He had left her heartbroken, and his presence hurt anew.

She looked at Jane and thought of her words as she described Philip. He is a gentleman, and kind and courteous, she thought, but that was not enough. He was dreadfully boring and not at all witty. She found herself comparing him to Jasper. Philip was rather dull, but then again, in her eyes, all men were dull when compared to Jasper. There was no man who could awe her, evoke shudders or make her feel the way she felt when she was with him.

She turned her eyes sharply when she saw Jasper’s gaze sweep the room. It would have been mortifying for him to catch her staring. She did not want him to know the depth of longing she still felt for him. He would see through her mask and know; perhaps he knew even now that she still had feelings for him.

Was she still in love with him?

Surely not! He had spurned her; cast her off without a second thought. He had no right to lay any claims of love on her, or demand her hand. She would never accept his proposal, even if he were to come crawling on his knees. The humiliation, the tears she had shed, the heart break, and the vicious gossip she had endured, was enough to break a lesser woman. And now he was back in town, with Selina as his intended. Surely, she would be mad to want Jasper Barlow back.

But even as she protested, she had a feeling she was lying to herself. Her heart still quickened when she heard his name mentioned. She imagined his smile, his eyes, his smell, and her thoughts returned to their kiss in the garden.

Oh, goodness. She was still in love with Jasper.

It is impossible, she thought. He is with Selina, and they are engaged to be married. She loves him, and he…. she shook her head in confusion. Oh, what am I to do?

She was losing her mind. This was exquisite torture, being so close to him but yet so far away. The thought made her sad anew, and she felt the all too familiar tears threaten to fall again. Had she not shed enough tears for Jasper Barlow? She could never have him. He could never be hers to love, not when there was another woman in his life.

Jane placed a hand on hers, gently. Adelaide was grateful for the touch. Her friend had probably seen her turn when Jasper had looked in her direction. Her pain and panic must be evident on her face. But she couldn’t leave. It would make tongues wag, and people were sure to gossip. She had to be polite and show everyone that there were no ill feelings between them.

“Are you alright? You look rather faint,” Jane remarked.

“I am quite fine, thank you. I just did not expect to feel this way. All at once, feelings I thought I had long given up on came rushing over me, and I thought I would drown under the deluge. It is over with now; the storm is past.”

“Are you sure?” Jane sounded worried. Adelaide nodded with a pinched smile.

Jane continued, “I admire you greatly my friend. I doubt I would be so calm if our situations were reversed. I feel too much, too deeply to be able to let go. And if a man had treated me the way Jasper had you,” she leaned in conspiratorially, her voice lowered, “I would have been rather crossed with him.”

“Oh! That would be unladylike,” Adelaide tittered. “Who would have thought that you had a rebellious streak in you.”

She turned around to look again at Jasper. He stood stiffly while Selina was deep in conversation with Lady Lockhart. Perhaps he was not having a good time as she had earlier believed. His posture was ramrod straight, and his smile somewhat forced.

Turning back to Jane, she began to fan herself.

“It was a long time ago. He has obviously moved on, and so must I.”

“But this is a shame,” Jane declared. “I had hoped you two would be wed. Jasper’s intending proposal had been the gossip of the whole ton. It breaks my heart, my friend, that you two are not together,” she inclined her head towards Jasper, “as you rightly should be.”

“I wonder at times what I may have done wrong.”

Adelaide began thinking of the possibilities. She would have agreed to his proposal if he had offered it. Her family would have accepted, no doubt about that, and she would have been Duchess Barlow today. She had imagined living in the Barlow Manor, loving him and raising their children, and taking care of the manor. Adelaide wept in her heart, the pain burrowing its way deeper.

Holding back tears that threatened to fall, she fanned herself some more, surreptitiously dabbing at the tears with her handkerchief. She would shed no more tears for Jasper Barlow. It was his loss if he didn’t recognize what he had lost by spurning her.

Jane squeezed her hand in support.

“I would be lying if I claimed to understand the way you feel. But I know that you are hurt. The two of you made a wonderful pair. I think you should talk to him.”

Adelaide could not believe her ears. Talk to him? Had Jane gone senile? “Why would I talk to him? I did nothing wrong! Why should I be the one to reach out to him, after how poorly he treated me?” she protested.

“I did not suggest you beg him, or ask for an apology. You were innocent. I only meant it was better you reached out to him; if nothing else, at least to find out why he had left you. Or have you no wish to know what his reasons were?”

“I have no wish to talk anymore with him. He is in the past.” She said with finality.

Looking over Adelaide’s shoulder, Jane gasped, before she whispered,  “Jasper and Selina are approaching.”

Adelaide fought the impulse to turn. She had caught a glimpse of mischief in her friend’s eyes as she had tried to bait her. Jane smiled; apparently aware her ruse had failed. Adelaide smiled in turn.

***

Jasper felt like cursing. He imagined the shocked looks on the faces of the women gathered around him, pressing in, asking silly questions. They were all so stifling, and he desperately wanted a reprieve. But he could not excuse himself yet. He had to suffer this meeting with Lady Lockhart to earn her goodwill.

Beside him, Selina stood smiling, chatting and making small talk with the old bores. She seemed born for this, to charm people when he could no longer put up with the pretensions. Or perhaps she had deluded herself into believing they were a happy couple.

Whatever the case was, Jasper could no longer stand a minute of it. He had put on a brave front and endured this foolishness for far too long. Selina’s voice was starting to irritate him; her ladylike laugh was a grating sound to his ears, and he could no longer put up with the pretence. He tapped Selina lightly on her hand, linked with his arm. She turned to look at him, beaming brightly.

He thought to roll his eyes in exasperation as the ladies gaped. They had all been charmed by their supposed intimacy. He leaned in to whisper into her ear, aware that their every gesture was watched and would later be discussed.

“How much longer do I have to put up with this meeting? I am getting restless.”

“Only a little while longer,” Selina replied pleadingly. “Lady Lockhart has approved of our pairing and has invited us to tea next week. I daresay our mission is accomplished. But please tarry a while so I may speak with some other ladies. You may talk with the gentlemen.”

A splendid idea! Jasper had no wish to speak to anyone else, but the respite would calm his rising temper. He hated his life, hated the circumstances that forced him into this farce with Selina. He was like a puppet, dancing to the strings fate pulled.

Slipping politely past Selina and Lady Harding, he wondered how his life had taken this turn. He felt trapped as an animal ensnared. He needed this engagement, no matter how he hated it. His family’s fortunes were in tatters, and the wealth of the Payne family was the only way to keep his family from ruin.

His parents had all but commanded the court Selina when her family first arrived in London. An up jumped knight with wealth from the New World, Sir Payne had eagerly responded to his calls to court Selina, who herself was willing. They were all perfectly content in the roles they were to play. His family would get a sizeable fortune in Selina’s dowry, and Sir Payne would rise high in society as father-in-law to Duke Jasper Barlow.

It was common enough, Jasper thought as he walked over to some gentlemen standing close to the window. Many husbands and wives lived in marriages of convenience. Why should he complain of the same fate? But Jasper hated being forced into anything.

He thought then of Selina and tried to picture her in a better light. She was rather beautiful and charming. But he wanted more, he craved more.

He turned to look at her as she mingled with the others. He wondered if he could endure her for the rest of his life. But he had to, and more still, had to propose soon. The pressure from his family was becoming increasingly intense. They desperately needed the dowry from his marriage to Selina.

This cursed heat is driving me mad. I need a drink, he thought.

He joined the group of gentlemen and their talk soon turned to the hunting season. Jasper felt more at ease in the company of these men, who in all probability felt the same way he did. The cool cider eased his mood, and he relaxed visibly.

“…fox hunting this season in Worthington. What are your plans, my lord?”

Jasper turned to the gentleman who had asked him a question. He quickly searched his thoughts for a reply.

“Oh! That is a good plan, Sir Henry. I am thinking of staying closer to home.”

“You don’t partake in the hunt?” the gentleman, Sir Henry, inquired.

“On the contrary, Sir. But I am afraid I have other… engagements at the moment.”

“Ah! Indeed, you do!” The men winked conspiratorially. Jasper frowned a little in confusion. Did they mean…

He turned to where Selina stood. It was only a matter of time before he proposed. There was no harm in letting the men assume what his engagement plans were.

“Have you any thoughts as to how to make your proposal?” Another gentleman inquired. At Jasper’s frown, he continued, “Women want to feel loved, desired, wanted. Perhaps you should commission a poet.”

“Pay no heed to Mr George. He is a hopeless romantic,” Sir Henry said. “I am sure a confident man such as yourself has it all sorted out.”

“Yes, good sir. Indeed, I do.”

Jasper was desperate for the conversation to change. Why was everyone obsessed with his plans with Selina? Were they really that bored?

To his relief, Sir Henry nodded, apparently satisfied with the answer. Jasper had just taken another swill of the cider when he suddenly froze. Had he imagined that tinkling laugh? It could not be? He turned to look around the room, and there she was.

Adelaide…

Even after a year, his heart still raced at the sight of her. Her little laughs and squeals of pleasure in the years they played together as children came unbidden to his mind. Even now, her sounds of joy still affected him deeply, her happiness bringing him comfort.

Try as he might, he could never forget his love for Adelaide. No matter how far they were, or how much time went by, he would never truly be able to banish her from his heart.

She was his world, his very soul.

And it had tortured him to have to let her go. His honour demanded he does right by his family. The family was his duty. And he would give his life for them.

But now, his resolve weakened as he beheld Adelaide. He thought at that moment to forsake his vow, his word, his family, and duty.

She had the power to enslave him, but she knew it not.

He tried to force himself to look away, aware that others in the room may be watching and taking note of his wondering gaze. The ton was notorious for gossip, and this gathering was sure to bear tales of any juicy news, real or imagined. And nothing could be permitted to hinder his plans – nay, his family’s plans for his marriage to Selina.

Another far more disturbing thought plagued him. He had no right to look upon Adelaide, not after how cruelly he had treated her. He hated himself, even more, his guilt lashing cruelly at him.

He needed something stronger to drink. Damn this heat!

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